I’m an idiot

This blog is over three years old now. Lots and lots of posts. But none in a very long time. It lost its way, just as much as the person that wrote for it. HollowKnowledge is no longer a site, or an idea. It’s a moniker, an identity.

This website was supposed to be conversations and opinions on the things that we loved the most in pop culture. But instead, it became a chore. It felt like work, and like most things dealing with work, it became exceedingly stressful. To the point to where my health suffered for it. My anxiety was never truly bad, I was a worrier, but the need to be a heard voice pushed me somewhere I had never been before.

That all seems silly in retrospect, as most things do when you’ve had time to reflect. I was so serious about this needing to be serious. To be taken serious. But that’s not who I am. That’s not what this should have been. For that oversight, I truly apologize. Not only to those that read this site, but to myself. This was supposed to be a fun adventure, but my need for growth turned it into a visceral obsession for production. Thursdays are this, Fridays are that. What a twat.

This site was not only supposed to celebrate the things we love as nerds, but to share a piece of myself that loves those things. The love was never manufactured but the person was. I would read Jeff Gerstmann or Adam Sessler and believe that I needed to say smart things for people to take me seriously. But that’s the thing. On occasion, I have the capacity to say smart things, to be heard. It’s just taken me three years to understand when It’s happening, and to not take it for granted.

Which comes to the realization that I’m, in fact, an idiot. A professional idiot. Live broadcasting on Twitch is where I found myself. I’m coming up on my first year of doing that, and it’s at this point to where I’ve learned more about who I am. An idiot.

For several hours a day, I’m a fool. But I like being that fool, I’m genuinely that fool. I love interacting with the people, playing the games, and of course, discussing them. My ego is no longer fueling my need to be heard. It’s just a part of that fool, of me. Whether it’s getting upset when I do poorly, or “flexin’ on them” when I do well. The intrinsic need to be heard is squelched by the laughter that is now shared with others.

I no longer fear not being taken serious. As my girlfriend calls it “my Hollow voice” is subtly beginning to fade away, and replacing it is a voice of someone who has became more comfortable with who they are. The surprising thing is that the voice no longer looking to be taken serious, is the voice that is getting heard.

There’s a quote attributed to Aristotle that has always resonated with me. “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act, but a habit.” It’s a good quote, very reaffirming. Of course, it kind of glosses over the whole, you have to not be fucking up for excellence to take hold. My approach was bad, now it’s less bad. My family, friends, girlfriend may say that I am excellent. They’re sweet people, I love them. But it’s no longer excellence I’m looking for. It’s no longer seriousness I’m looking for. I’m looking for moments, memories, something to hold on to. All things that I’m finally achieving by relenting to my own foolishness and reveling in it. A silly bastard is just who I am. I’m cool with that, I’ll just be a silly bastard who occasionally says something that I hope people will hear.

Really I could have shortened this entire thing with, “I’m a better me, and you’re going to get a better me than I was before.” But that sounded a little too Tony Robbins for my taste. Plus, I’ll never pass up the opportunity to call myself a twat.


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